Jesus Christ! The Teenage Years

Jesus Christ! The Teenage Years (J.C.T.T.Y.) is a collection of stories that I wish I could draw out as a comic book series. Growing up as a Catholic, I wondered if Jesus ever stepped out of line and got grounded like I did. These are the untold stories of Jesus Christ’s teenage years, according to my imagination if he lived today.

NOTE: When God is speaking it is actually Gabriel verbalizing for God.

Just Another Supper
God, Jose(Joseph), Mary, Jesus (as a teenager) and Gabriel (God’s voice and an Angel) at supper time.

Mary: Say grace Jesus.

Jesus: Why do I always have to say grace?

God: Do what your mother tells you, I’m starving!

Mary: Gabriel, please tell God that he needs not yell at Jesus, especially at supper.

Gabriel: Mary, I see you’re still not talking to God. God, can you please mind your table manners?

God: Jose, I see your wife is still angry about me giving her THE SON OF GOD and having everyone worship her.

Jose: God, people think she’s crazy! She’s running around town telling people Jesus here is the son of “The Almighty” and here to save us all, meanwhile he’s turning water jugs into boxed wine at under-age house parties.

Jesus: Yea, “All Mighty”. Pfft. He can’t even control his hunger mood swings. “Mighty” my butt.

Jose: Jesus! You better apologize right now son!

Jesus: You’re not my dad, you can’t tell me what to do!

Mary: God may have created you Jesus but Jose keeps a shack over your head! You apologize right now young man! For God’s sake.

Jesus: OMG. I can’t believe you just said that. You know you can’t say “For God’s sake”.

Gabriel: Just apologize already and say grace. I’m gonna lose a wing if I don’t eat soon.

Jesus: Fine. Ugh…
…We gather around as a family today to give thanks to the father of my fake father who never gave my mom child support and uses angels like Gabriel to deliver hard hitting news and reminds people he exists by getting a Twitter account. Thank you for the food we are about to enjoy and for making it low carb and high in protein. Yay for fish sticks and wheat Wonder Bread. God knows, he’s on a diet. Amen!

Mary: You can be impossible.

Gabriel chugs his glass of “water”. He goes to the clay jar of water and refills his cup.

Gabriel: Jesus, can you please give me more wine?

God gives Gabriel an annoyed look.

Gabriel: What? I’m thirsty.

Jesus reaches for Gabriel’s glass of water, closes his eyes for a couple of second in silence and hands it over to Gabriel.

Jesus: There. Guess you aren’t too anonymous about your drinking or daddy issues, eh?
The end. For now.

@ruthvaca on twitter
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